fic commentary: if only you knew (what goes on in my mind)

[plutosweetheart]

you ever in the mood to just hurt? (always)

i'm a writer?

i guess i am now LOL for context i wrote a lot as a kid and completely stopped when i was 11, so i guess i just have 8 years worth of emotions to word vomit onto the internet

no but seriously tho, after writing this i just have, multitudes more of respect for ficwriters than i already do. people that write 1k, 10k, 100k fics (??) or chaptered stories like,,,i bow down to you this shit's hard. writing some of the dialogue was like pulling out teeth it was so difficult

having said that though, this was also incredibly fun !! i had absolutely no plan going into this and about 80% was just me freeballing. some of my favorite scenes kinda materialized into my head out of nowhere and it was a pretty sick experience. it was also so...liberating to express these emotions with words. i spent those 8 years that i didn't write drawing - and communicating visually is sooo different from communicating verbally like it's just a completely different experience putting words to emotions rather than images.

ahh i'm just so buzzed T_T this is my first ever fanfic and therefore my baby T__T 

conception 

the original conception of this fic was driven by wonki's white day/valentine's day convo ↓

🐆: have you ever received sweets at school on valentine's day or white day?
🐈: i have
🐆: :O [nudges shoulder] ayyy
🐈: just once
🐆: from your mom
🐈: at school, at school
🐆: oh at school, your teacher?
🐈: i didn't get it from my teacher
🐆: who did you get it from?
🐈: a friend. a guy
🐆: eh?
[hard cut lol]
🐈: it doesn't matter, it's just a day to receive...a day to receive snacks, isn't it 

and this jaywon moment from their tiktok making video (which was a jaywonki unit but niki hardly said a word ToT which inspired the dynamic of the fic) ↓

🐈‍⬛: try not to shoot it so precisely, i can see my face too clearly
🐈: it's okay, you look handsome
🐈‍⬛ [quirks eyebrow]: stop lying

i wrote this initial thought back in the beginning of september and left it in the dust for 2 months ↓

niki having an unrequited crush on jungwon ?! thinking about that sweets conversation

niki realizing (a) you can like boys? (b) oh shit, i might like a boy [yang jungwon] (c) yang jungwon most definitely does not like me back

and then i wrote this, after which i was like hmm maybe i should actually try my hand at writing this ↓

it’s the simultaneous realization that ‘oh i like him and hey maybe he likes me back? because he looks after me and treats me well’ and ‘oh. he treats everyone well, but when he’s with him, he shines. he doesn’t shine for me.” and all the quiet heartbreak that comes with it

the actual commentary

okay beware this is the section where i start showing some self-love LOL gonna talk about my thematic choices n shit. i'm also gonna be mansplaining my own writing to you so if you'd like to keep your own interpretations, skip this section!

For all that his hyung babies him, Riki would like to think that he was mature for his age, that he could be trusted and relied on.

this line, the valentine's day conversation, and the air fryer scene were all sections that have been solidly there since the beginning (since they're based on the irl counterpart) and so the rest of the fic was woven around them.

the working title for a while was 'and i am just a boy' because, (a) niki is just so young lol and (b) despite wonki being the two youngest, jungwon naturally gravitates towards the older members a lot more + babies niki like the lovely leader that he is. also, the age gap between niki and the rest of enha always boggles my mind a little, bc the age gap between jay-jungwon and jungwon-niki is the same (1 year and 10 months) so it's like heeseung → jay → jakesunghoonsunoo → jungwon → niki

i just found it interesting to play with the idea that both niki and jay like jungwon, but jay would never even consider niki as "competition" or whatever, meanwhile niki's looking at jay and is like Shit, that is someone who's grown up and seems to have their shit together. next to him i look like a literal child (cause he is </3)

ALSO i struggled a bit with writing from niki's perspective bc how do you write from a teenage boy's pov?? uh i still dk but i hope it managed to get that essence in there. you think you're mature for your age but damn, you're really not.

He falls in love easily with people's skills, their talents—that much he knows.

i also felt like this line made me Understand niki. like this kid's got a one-track mind towards success and he blatantly shows favoritism towards people whose skills he admires (the predebut story heeseung tells about niki practically ogling him in the lunch room LOL / how much niki wanted to be on the same team as yeonjun in the txt en- playground series). he'd definitely be thrown for a curveball when he manages to separate those feelings from romantic ones (think: he falls in love with jay's skills but he has the actual crush on jungwon bc, well, it's jungwon) WHICH BRINGS ME TO

Delicate hands gently card though his hair and soothe his scalp. Jungwon's clothes smell faintly of vanilla, and Riki's mouth still taste sticky sweet from the bungeoppang. Honey slowly drips though his veins when Jungwon hums some nondescript melody, his fingers twirling at Riki's split ends. His voice sounds good, and the low rumble sends vibrations across Riki's skin which make his head even heavier. His shoulders lose their tension, and his breathing slowly evens out.

The edges of Riki's world blurs and hones in on these few sensations. Jungwon's body is solid and warm against his, and Riki's never felt safer than in this moment.

this,,,is definitely my favorite thing i wrote for this. slow, warm, and saccharine love is my SHIT and attempting to write it was very self-fulling LOL. this is also where the little brother-ing of niki comes in. there's all these things that jungwon does for him and it makes his heart flutter cause it's like, oh i feel a little special, you treat me a little special. and this is true! but jungwon is also just dutifully fulfilling his role as niki's hyung and nothing more :'(
also also these tiktoks inspired the headbutt moment and the looking-at-each-other-and-cringe moment look at them they're so cute

(Riki can't help but feel a little special in those moments, because no one else looks at him the way Jungwon does. Like Jungwon would be able to spot Riki even if he were in a crowd of thousands.)

*silently slides forward in a crowd of thousands*

(also, the "three fundamental truths" from the summary is probably definitely from hamilton...i let that show sear itself into my brain in 2016 and i am living the consequences)

Riki might tower over Jungwon now, but maybe his heart hasn't grown enough to fit his body yet.

this line was totally ripped from a lyric in '10 months' — "but wait, when my heart grows all tall as my height" — cause i was like, wait that's a mf LYRIC. by these standards niki's heart must be fuckin ginormous

the entire rain scene was completely unplanned but ended up being the emotional cornerstone of this fic i think?? like i think i started writing it on a day it started raining and i deeply dislike rainy weather lol so there's that. (side note: you guys ever walked home during a thunderstorm? it's terrible but also an oddly refreshing experience to be exposed to the elements like that)

enha deemed niki's korean name to be 'chulsoo' during their first group vlive post-covid and it's so hilariously perfect <33 btw the names for the standard korean textbook drawings of a boy and girl are chulsoo and younghee (think: john doe and jane doe) so that's why that's there. also here's shin-chan niki loml so cute

Grabbing Jungwon's arm just as his hand goes up to do the I love you sign, Riki drags him past the gate.

Riki doesn't tell him that. Instead, he gives Jungwon a slow, methodical nod. "He likes you a lot."

"He does." Jungwon lifts his head from Riki's shoulder.

when niki rejects jungwon's love before the story even begins VS. jungwon ~symbolically~ rejecting niki here by moving away from him

"He's kind of a loser," Jungwon chuckles. It sounds ugly. Jungwon was never much of a good liar. "Who just gives an underclassman you hardly know a gift on Valentine's Day?

"You've known each other for a while. You mentioned him all the time."

"But it's—it's, I'm a guy—"

Riki frowns. "It's like you said, hyung. What's the big deal? It's just from a boy to a boy," he shrugs, hiding his shaky hands. "Boys can like boys."

Jungwon stares at him intently. Riki doesn't meet his eyes. "They can," he agrees.

"Then that's all it has to be."

i was trying really hard to not be cheesy or heavy-handed with the whole "it's okay to be gay bro" thing going on, but yea. jungwon easily slips into this steady rhythm with jay, but it scares him to actually consider more, y'know? this is the one time where the table turns and jungwon relies on niki and needs his reassurance. this is definitely what pushes jungwon to confess to jay (and unknowingly break niki's heart </3)

there's also this parallelism between all the 3 where they sacrifice/risk things for each other. jungwon runs through the rain for niki + overworks himself for jay, niki skips school to take care of sick jungwon, and jay drives through the nearly-blinding pouring rain like a newborn deer to pick both of them up. :(((( nothing else to say other than :(((((((((

btw the white sugar steamed egg is a chinese home remedy and it really does work against coughs! just eat them once a day, a few days in a row and you'll feel better. it's also just a nice snack :D and dakjuk is just korean chicken congee

 "Have you seen the way Jongseong-hyung looks at you?" Have you seen the way I look at you? "There's no way he doesn't return your feelings."

isn't this just all unreciprocated love is in the end? you Look at them but they don't See the way you look at them.

the last scene came to me at a complete whim so i'm sorry if it reads a little rushed or unsatisfying T-T i spent the entire fic not knowing how to end it, but i think this makes the most sense to me. like, niki will eventually get over jungwon but it's left an imprint on him. he's changed, and those feelings weren't meaningless just because they weren't returned. idk, y'all ever think back on an intense crush you had when you were younger and think, damn, what a ride. i can't believe my heart felt as large as it did back then. yea.

also i hope that the growing pains + butterflies motifs didn't feel too slapped on or anything ;; the butterflies are just like, when you feel all these emotions ready to erupt out of you, and the longer you keep them bottled up the more they scratch at your throat to be let out. similar to when you're trying really hard not to cry lol. and growing pains just hurt, straight up. and my boy grew up a lot here

playlist overview

here is my playlist for this fic! i won't go over every song but here are some of the lyrics that helped me write

growing pains - alessia cara

 And I can't hide
Cause growing pains are keeping me up at night

10 months - enhypen

Why do you keep treating me like a kid?
I really am all grown up
I'm not only grown in terms of height
Stop saying that I'm cute
What's with that smile?

My body language is a bit clumsy
The way I speak is a bit young
But wait
When my heart grows as tall as my height

in my mind - lyn lapid

People say I'm quiet most of the time
If only you knew what goes on in my mind
(If only you knew, if only you knew)

line without a hook - ricky montgomery

And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer
Watching over me, he's singing
"She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy"
He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a-"

can you see it in my eyes? - mabel ye

Can you see it in my eyes?
The way I look at you sometimes

you - dodie

Oh, why did it have to be you?

the 1 - taylor swift

But we were something, don't you think so?

And if my wishes came true
It would've been you

final words (and tears)

this entire process is just so funny to me bc i never thought i'd try my hand at writing again o.O but here i am. i also used to be very unable to read unrequited love fics bc i like myself some sappy romance and a happy ending </3 but yet again here i am. maybe i do enjoy some pain from time to time. the 3 weeks i spent writing this was both excruciating and incredibly exhilarating LOL bc wow!! the power of words!!!

also the reception to this so far has been so ASGJLDS;G  i am so overwhelmed and full of emotions like T__T thank you so much for all of the kind words (and tears <3) sent my way i cherish all of them. and my moots inspire me sm all of your brains are gigantic.

also if you've actually read all the way through this?? thanks for that too <3